Identity Theft #2

My second post for the Identity Theft series at church can be found here.

Thanks!

Maturing

I got an unexpected phone call from a dear friend of mine awhile ago. I happened to be completely alone and in a perfect place to talk, so we spent about 20 minutes or so deep in conversation. It was the most edifying conversation I'd had in a long, long time. And truthfully, that was the best way to describe it. Edifying. Every time I'm with this particular friend -- A Mature Godly Woman -- either in person or on the phone, I leave completely uplifted, encouraged and edified. I leave feeling fed. Feeling equipped. Feeling called. And that particular day, I hung up the phone with such hope, joy and anticipation…elated…like I was walking on air.

"The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." (Proverbs 27:9, NLT)

And then.


I immediately had an interaction that was totally the opposite. The negativity left an ick all over me that I couldn't shake fast enough. It had an odor to it, a distaste that was palpable. The unpleasant and depressing nature of the interaction almost knocked the wind out of my sails.


Almost.


As I was left alone with my thoughts after two such extreme and ironic examples, I realized something had instantaneously ignited a fire in my soul: a need be more like my friend. Not just a wanting to be more mature or godly or encouraging…but a real need to become that person.


It's all I think about.

"Happy is the man who does not walk in the way sinful men tell him to, or stand in the path of sinners, or sit with those who laugh at the truth. But he finds joy in the Law of the Lord and thinks about His Law day and night. This man is like a tree planted by rivers of water, which gives its fruit at the right time and its leaf never dries up. Whatever he does will work out well for him." (Psalm 1:1-3, NLV)

Since that day, I've heard several unsolicited testimonies from people who shared similar stories of A Mature Godly Woman and what an impact she left on them. A prophetic and encouraging word that literally saved her life from a woman she just met only moments before. A friend who just grabbed her hands to pray in the coffee shop. The mentor who was able to cut through facade to call out the real issue, making the way for healing, growth and maturity. Women who compel you by their love of Christ. Women you don't put on a pedestal, but admire for their godly characteristics…the same godly characteristics that leave you convicted about your own carnal ones.

"When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly." (Proverbs 31:26, MSG)

I've been the recipient of having relationship with several Mature Godly Women too many times to count. It's rather unfair, to be honest. I've been fed, blessed, prayed on, encouraged, edified and uplifted. I've received and received and received. I know first-hand the amazing peace and joy that is awash over me for days after an encounter with them. Women, who while walking in the Spirit daily, sense the prompting of the Lord to do and say and be what He's leading at any given moment.

"All who are led by God’s Spirit are God’s sons and daughters." (Romans 8:14, NLV) 

Most importantly, women who aren't afraid to do and say and be what He's leading at any given moment.

And there it is. The F-word that keeps me from maturing:


Fear.


Fear of alienating people who might not understand. Fear of alienating people who don't want to understand. Fear people will think I consider myself better than them, even though that's not the case at all. Fear that I'll try and fail. Fear God will call me to let go of things I have a pretty firm grip on. Fear I won't be able to let go at all. 


And mostly, fear I won't have the discipline required to get there.


Fear, fear, fear.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9, ESV)

But what's driving me now, more than the fear (finally) is the need. I can't find a way to really explain it. I simply need to mature past my childish ways. I need to let go of negativity and petty offenses. I need to get beyond myself in order to be fully myself.


Does that make sense?


It's a need to be obedient.


I guess a simpler way to put it is "It's Time."


There seems to be a specific point (or several specific points) in a Christian's life (or maybe just mine, lucky you) where God has had enough and He calls you (me) out. It's a tangible time when God is gently, yet firmly, saying: 

"That's enough. You were created for more than this. You're settling for good and I'm calling you to great. You're not where you should be. I really, really, REALLY don't want you to miss out on what I have planned. It's so good…you have no idea, it's so good. So please, let's go. I love you and I'm with you. It's time."

It's Time to fully engage. It's Time to set aside my insecurity and fear and awkwardness and just be ready to move forward.


It's Time.


And so now comes the hard part: 

• What do I do? How do I do it? 
• Is there one big moment I'm supposed to look out for? 
• Is it saying no when I want to say yes...and saying yes when I want to say no? 
• Is it a series of daily choices that seem small but add up to big character changes? 
• Is it recognizing an opportunity when the Holy Spirit quietly and gently nudges me to it? 
• Is it ignoring my impulse to punch someone in the face for offending me or someone I love, and choosing to pray for them instead?
• Is it (gulp) being disciplined?

And when I ask these questions of God, I get one answer:


Yes.


Yes to looking out for big moments. Yes to making small choices each day. Yes to recognizing opportunities that come in a still small voice.

"Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'"(Isaiah 30:21, MSG)

Yes to discipline. Yes to believing that God has a purpose and a plan beyond what I think I deserve. And then choosing to receive it, even if I feel unworthy, ill-equipped or too sinful.

"No one's ever seen or heard anything like this, never so much as imagined anything quite like it—what God has arranged for those who love him. But you've seen and heard it because God by his Spirit has brought it all out into the open before you. The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along." (1 Corinthians 2:9-10, MSG)

And most important, yes to prayer. Yes to praying day-by-day (or hour-by-hour, or minute-by-minute) for the strength to resist my carnal impulses and urges. Yes to praying for a heart to pray for those who've hurt me instead of avenging in my heart. Yes to praying that I won't participate in gossip, slander or negativity even though it's so easy to jump in and go along with it. Yes to praying that I will stop and pray instead of immediately reacting when something happens. Yes to praying that I'll recognize when the tests and trials of this exact nature come…knowing that nothing of God is worth anything until it's been through the fire.

"I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure." (1 Peter 1:6-7a, MSG)

It's seeing that person in my mind's eye that I want to be…and allowing her to emerge slowly and intentionally, in a process that comes about solely in a choice-by-choice manner.


This post has been a month in the making; working on it a little here and a little there. I think part of the reason it's taken me so long is because I know for a fact that once I click "publish post," it means GAME ON for me and this journey. But just today, I had to really struggle with my flesh about something. And the easiest way for me to wrestle through my spirit and flesh is to write. 


So I wrote and re-wrote. 


And then I cried. And that's when I knew it was time to publish it. When there are tears involved, it is complete.


And now that it's complete, It's Time.

"The LORD your God is going before you. He will fight for you just as he fought for you in Egypt while you watched, and as you saw him do in the desert. Throughout your entire journey, until you reached this very place, the LORD your God has carried you just as a parent carries a child." (Deuteronomy 1:30-31, CEB)

At least I'm not alone.

TBD

I used to love TBD. It said that something’s coming...you might not know for sure what yet, or when, or how, or even why. But you know it’s coming. Or that it’s possible. And maybe even probable. It’s a placeholder. A way of staking a claim to something...I may not know what it looks like, but the territory has been staked and claimed. It makes me mentally block off whatever the TBD item is and mark it as taken.

My calendar can be filled with TBD things. “Dinner with Friends - TBD.” “Family Vacation - Location TBD.” “Committee Meeting - Agenda TBD.”

Lately it feels like it’s my private, personal life that’s got TBD stamped all over it. “Half Marathon Training - TBD.” “Quiet Time with Jesus - TBD.” “Graphic Design - TBD.” It’s been so hard to find-slash-make time to fit everything in or have the alone-slash-no kids time to do it. Yet I want to quit nothing. 

I sort of feel like God has marked a big TBD over a few things Himself. There have been hints, allusions as to what He’s up to...nothing definite, nothing concrete...just TBD. “That Situation - TBD.” “Your Brother’s Salvation - TBD.” “A Home - TBD.” It can be both encouraging and infuriating at the same time. I think it makes Him chuckle, To Be Direct.

Sometimes with God though, TBD is not so exciting...when it means more than simply To Be Determined. Sometimes it has meant To Be Discussed. Or To Be Done. There have been times when it’s meant Totally Bad Day, and others when it’s meant Totally Blessed Day. Monday can be Trust Big Darlin’ and Friday To Build Discipline. You just never know.

I’m realizing that I very much like control, not just routine...and when things come up that leave a fresh TBD on something I’ve set in my mind, it’s hard for me To Be Ductile (Flexible. I know it’s a stretch.) (Pun intended!) Instead, I get so frustrated with the TBD that I stop whatever it is, give up, throw in the towel and shed a couple of hot tears in frustration.

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. 

At just the right time we will reap a 

harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” 

(Galatians 6:9, emphasis mine)

I wonder what would happen if instead I practiced Galatians 6:9? And rather than getting frustrated with God’s TBD, I might get excited about TBD again. I might get that holy anticipation that something’s coming...I might not know for sure what it is, when it’s coming, or how or why. I might believe once again that with God all things are not just possible, but probable too. I might love God even more knowing He’s staked his claim on not just something, but on me...and loved me enough to tell me He’s not done yet...I’m still To Be Determined. What I messed up today won’t determine my tomorrow. Only He will. 

I think Galatians 6:9 could be summed up with those three letters, TBD. Because it reminds us to not grow weary, to stay the course, that at just the right time the blessing will come. All that’s necessary is for us to be determined.

Footprints in the Mud

Why is it that I can be disciplined in only one area of life at a time?

It’s so easy to come up with the excuses, the reasons why it’s so hard - I’ve got so much to do in a day. Two kids. Freelance work. Cleaning house. Grocery shopping. Cooking dinner. Making lunches. Helping with home work. Taking to school. Picking up from school. 

But the truth is, I make time for the things that are important to me. The problem is that I only make time for one important thing at a time. And for me, right now, working out is that important thing. But having consistent quiet time with God hasn’t been. 

And I’ve been suffering for it.

I hate admitting it, and I’m embarrassed by it, too. After all, we’re in ministry and aren’t we supposed to be praying and fasting and in sackcloth and ashes every day?? But it’s because of that reason that I think it’s so hard. Sure, I go through phases where I’m consistent; where I long for it and wake up eager to have my time with Him. But then other phases come along and it’s just so hard to do it...it feels like I’m trekking through mud in tall galoshes and my feet slip out of my boot with each step. 

I don’t want to sound legalistic; like I’m supposed to spend a specified amount of time every day praying for the ritual of it. 

But I’ll sit in church and remember what it feels like to have that intimacy with God, and I miss it. Or I’ll pray for someone and a particular situation and remember the pure thrill of seeing that prayer come to pass. 

It isn’t the ritual I miss, it’s God. I miss Him.

I sometimes think about all the things that I’ve missed during these arms-length phases. I think about the blessings I’ve walked past. I think about the encouragement I could have brought someone. The faith I could have built. The patience that could have grown. The maturity that should have developed. The revelation of the secret things that He shares in those intimate moments. Those things are precious and priceless. 

And I miss them, too.

A quote from The Screwtape Diaries by C.S. Lewis comes to mind during these phases: 

“The best thing, where it is possible, is to keep the 

patient from the serious intention of praying altogether.” 

Ouch.

The most obvious and ridiculous part is that I know He’s right next to me, missing me too. He’s standing...arms open...waiting...and yet I’m wasting time lifting galoshes out of the mud - one dirty (but cute) boot at a muddy time.

It’s like that old poem, “Footprints in the Sand.” When the man saw only one set of footprints in the sand during very difficult times, he thought Jesus had abandoned him. But Jesus told him: 

“During your times of trial and suffering, when you see 

only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Except in my version, I see the footprints left in the mud and I know they are mine alone. And instead of Jesus carrying me, He’s saying:

“I never asked you to trek through the mud.”

(Sigh.)

He’s right. He never asked me to trek through the mud. I chose that all on my own. 

But praise His name, He’ll still come lift me from it.

1. 
   

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; 

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” 

- Psalm 40:2

For I Know the Mazes I Have for You

I went to my first corn maze today. Is this a southern thing? I hadn’t ever heard of them before until I moved to the south. Then again, I didn’t have kids before...so maybe it’s an “I have kids” thing? Anyhoo, today I corn mazed it.

Combined, the entire corn field maze was approximately four miles if you did all sections. Jaana and I entered full of vim and vigor (what in the world is vim and vigor, anyway?), armed with our map, ready to conquer the world.

The map showed us our entry point and how to navigate the maze. Also included were various numbered checkpoints we could use to mark our progress. As we reached a checkpoint we could punch the number on our map. 

We started off and Jaana led the way. She decided which turns to take, which loops to avoid and ran to each checkpoint as we discovered it. 

After about half an hour she started taking drink breaks every two minutes.

Another 15 minutes later, she complained about being hot so we stealthily took off her long-sleeved t-shirt that was under her short-sleeved t-shirt. (Thank goodness for tall corn stalks.)

Another 15 minutes later, she was done. She didn’t care any longer about punching her map with the checkpoints she reached. She just wanted to get out, the easiest way possible. And quickly. After all, there was a horse and buggy ride and corn box calling her name.

We got five out of 10 checkpoints punched on our map.

We were just your average mazers.

I don’t blame her for wanting to give up. We felt like we were walking in circles. Everywhere we looked we saw the same view of dried up, brown corn stalks. She knew there were other attractions just outside the corn maze. They were enticing and new. So she gave up.

Halfway during the maze I took this picture:

Were were just about smack-dab in the middle of the maze. All we saw around us was the same thing. Lifeless, dried up corn. A seeming no way out. Even though we had a map...even though we were given checkpoints to mark our progress...we still felt lost.

But while all we saw was where we were, God saw this:

God had the ariel view. He knew exactly where the entry point and exit point was in the maze. He knew exactly where we were in the maze; knew every checkpoint we had reached and which we avoided in an effort to get out. He even knew the beauty of each section and how they weaved together. (Notice the llama, cow, pig, duck, barn and goat?)

He saw our way out and saw where we were going.

We had the map, but He had the blueprint.

So often I go into a maze God has for my life. He gives me a map (the Bible) and shows me the various checkpoints where I can make sure I’m not in the middle of nowhere. 

Is there fruit? 

Are you seeking Me first? 

Are you worrying about tomorrow? 

Are you looking to the right and to the left or straight ahead? 

But about halfway through, I usually want to give up. 

I start with frequent breaks from praying and communing with God.

Then I start complaining and find ways to feel more comfortable.

Then I just get frustrated and am done. Find the easiest way out, and move on to a more seemingly exciting activity that distracts me.

And I end up with only half of the blessings God intended for me to receive along the way.

The intention of my day was to enjoy a much-needed date day with my little girl. The goal was simply to have fun...not to have a spiritual lesson infused into it. But as I stood there, not sure of where we were headed but moving forward anyway...I was jolted with the awareness of how much my life paralleled that stinkin’ corn maze. How I think these new adventures with God are fun at first, then I’m inconvenienced. How I have all the faith in the world until it gets too hot and I want a break. How I don’t think it will really take as long as it ends up taking.

And I kinda felt like a spoiled brat.

I tried to turn that lesson into a learning experience for Jaana...but then felt a tad hypocritical seeing as how I’m 37 and she’s just six and I’mstill trying to figure out this perseverance thing.

So when she said she wanted to just get the heck outta dodge (my words, not hers), I nodded, said “sure thing, baby” and we walked out through the in door.

There were no raspberry berets, but there were pedal carts. And little-people hay bale mazes where you had your own up-front ariel view. And a horse and buggy ride for which she got picked to ride up front. 

Jaana didn’t look back after leaving the maze. (Except at me for this picture.)

But the rest of the day I thought about that map we had, half-punched, just mocking me for giving up at the halfway point.

And I determined that next time I find myself in the middle of a maze...when I see no way out...when everything looks the same...when my map doesn’t make sense...when I want to give up...

I will just tie my shirt around my waist, take a big swig of water and keep on walkin’.

Even if it kills me.

“Are you weary in well-doing, 

walking on the road to New Jerusalem?

Are you hoping and a-praying, 

looking any minute for the Lord to come?

And do you see a lot of pleasant-looking 

places where you might lay down to take a rest?

And if you do, take a look at all the faces there, 

the sadness will tell you that it's best

To keep on walkin', you don't know how far you've come.
Keep on walkin' for all you know it may be done.
And the Father might be standing up right now to give the call and end it all, so, keep on walkin'

Now if you need a feelin' 

to keep you on the road you started travelin' on,
You're gonna have some trouble 

learning that it's faith that keeps you movin' on.
And in the Lord you start your walk from sitting, 

but sometimes you have to take a step
And standin's not another word for quitting, 

it's jut takin' a tighter hold of His hand.

So keep on walkin', you don't know how far you've come.
Keep on walkin' for all you know it may be done.
And the Father might be standing up right now to give the call and end it all, so, keep on walkin'. 

(c) 1976, Steve Chapman, Dogwood